After months and months of dreading my 30th birthday, the day finally arrived this past Saturday. And I soon discovered that all my worrying was for nothing.
To me, it was just another day. I went the weekend before and got my birthday present, so I am now the proud owner of a 2015 Chevy Sonic and 4 years of endless car payments. I worked Friday night, so as 12:01am rang in on Saturday, I was sitting at my work desk, filing my reports for the end of day. My coworkers wished me birthday greetings and a coworker brought me a slice of cheesecake. When I got home at 8:30am, I had a birthday cake and a pair of warm fuzzy socks waiting for me from Mom and Dad.
Then I proceeded to basically sleeping my entire birthday away. Because that’s what night shift workers do. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up around 5:30 that evening and Dad asked me if I felt any older. Does anybody ever actually feel older on their birthday?
In all honesty, I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday this year. It marked a year to the day that we lost my grandpa. While I should have been excited and celebrating the fact that I had made it three decades on this earth, all I could do is relieve that 3:00am phone call I got from the nursing home a year ago telling me that my grandpa was gone.
I failed myself, because I had been adamant about not grieving on this day. I was going to be happy that I was still here, and celebrate, because that’s what my grandpa would have wanted. He wouldn’t want me miserable, and I can hear him now telling me that he’d kick my ass for moping around like I did. But grief, as I have learned this past year, kinda beats to it’s own drum, and hits you when you least expect it to.
I look back at the events that happened between 29 and 30, and the last year of my 20’s has been nothing short of an eye opener to me. I started 29 happily married and halfway into it, I was alone, heartbroken, and trying to find a will to live. Now, at 30, I have found myself more confident, optimistic, and slowly learning to love again with the current man I call my boyfriend. He actually is best friend’s with my ex-husband’s brother, which might make for a very awkward vacation for all of them this weekend (I opted out going because of this, plus my work schedule doesn’t allow for much time off this month). However, he understands what I have gone through and has been so so patient with me. We are taking things slower than I did with my last relationship and he cares and supports me in ways I’m not used to feeling.
Through the grief of losing so much this past year, I’m starting my 30’s with a positive outlook. In my eyes, it can only go up from here. So my actual birthday was just another day for me, but I’m excited to see what this next decade has in store for me.