30 Thoughts, Day 10

For the readers who are just starting out their 20s, or even still in your teenage years, life lesson #10 is for you:

Just because your first love fell apart doesn’t mean it’s going to be your last. 

I had gone through high school without a date, because the guys I went to school with always thought I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough for their tastes. I had one guy actually tell me he thought I was a lesbian because I was “too tomboyish” for him.

High school guys are stupid, y’all.

I went to Hollins University, which is a private, all-women’s college in Roanoke, Virginia. Needless to say, this didn’t help my dating scene at all. Sure, me and my friends all had profiles on OkCupid and such, but we found out quick that such sites were mostly for late night booty calls, and not meaningful, long distant relationships.

Which at the time, I was more interested in my education than I was my love life, so it worked out for the best.

I met my first (and no ex) husband in 2015 when I was 25 years old. He was my first real boyfriend, relationship, every meaning of the word “first” imaginable. He was sweet and kind, he liked me for my personality and my weight didn’t mean a thing to him. I fell for him fast, and within 6 months of dating off and on, we moved in together. A little over a year from that, we were married.

If you’ve kept up with my blog for the past few months, you’ll know that our marriage wasn’t perfect. We both struggled with our mental illness, him more than me. I worked all the time and he was on a complete different schedule than I was. Eventually, it led to his infidelity once again, and for the first time in a long time, I decided to take care of myself and leave.

It’s been almost 4 months since we’ve separated and I’ve been happier than I ever thought possible. The first few months were the hardest. I wanted to give him another chance but at the same time I also knew I was sitting myself up for failure once again. At the same time, I was so afraid of ever finding somebody who would accept me for myself. I felt like I would be alone forever, because who would want to be with a 29 year old who works night shift, isn’t a size 2, and struggles with her anxiety?

And then, I found a guy who accepts me for everything I am. He loves the same type of movies I do, we have the same kind of humor, and we really pair well together. He knows the situation I’m in with my ex-husband because he’s actually good friends with my brother-in-law. He gives me the space I need when I need it, and is always available for when I need to get my mind off things or if I just need a good hug after a long day. We’ve kept our relationship off social media because something I learned from my first marriage is there is such a thing as over sharing – and I don’t want it to jinx this good thing I got going so far.

Maybe you’re falling in love for the first time. And maybe it will last. But just remember that if it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world. Remember to love yourself enough to know when it’s time to let somebody go or get out. It’s going to hurt like hell for the first few weeks. But it doesn’t mean you’ll be alone forever. The person you need most in your life is out there.

Who knows, it might be somebody you never expected it to be.

 

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