30 Thoughts, Day 7

Well, it’s taken us over 2 weeks to get to Day 7.

And today’s life lesson is:

Anxiety. Sucks.

It’s the reason I’m behind almost a week in this little series I’ve created. It’s the reason I have bouts of anger when I’m in a stressful situation, but then promptly burst into tears when I calm down. It’s the reason I ask my family and friends if they’re mad at me when I know I’ve done nothing to make them feel that way.

I really didn’t have problems with my anxiety until I started college, to be honest. There would be times that I had so many papers and projects due that I would just stare at my planner and want to burst into tears. Choosing between getting work done and wanting to spend time with my friends was a constant battle. I had serious Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) issues that I would choose being with them, which would cause me to pull all-nighters or even skip less important classes to finish a paper for another class. Procrastination didn’t help this at all and no matter how many methods and hacks I try to put in place to help stop this kind of lifestyle failed.

Yet, I managed to graduated with my class in 2013 and I obtained my Bachelor’s in Communication Studies. After my surgery later that year and recovery, I finally was able to join the workforce in 2015 at a screen-printing company. It was a high stress job, between the position I held and the management of the company. If we had a rush order and I was the dryer operator, I had only seconds to catch finished t-shirts coming off a hot press and stack in certain orders, all the while inspecting the product to make sure it would pass approval. There were many times I would just sit and shake afterward, trying to calm down and keep my frustration and anger in check.

When I married my ex-husband in 2017, I knew that our marriage was going to be a challenge. He had anxiety as well, but also bipolar depression on top of it. He would be fine one day and then the next he would be a grouchy recluse. It became impossible for him to drive to the store, let alone to work. So while trying to understand how his anxiety worked and trying to accommodate him, I began to neglect myself. I was so over stressed about everything I would just sit in our bedroom and cry. This led to arguments, and eventually, the end of our marriage. Granted there were other factors involved, but in the end, it allowed me to focus on getting my own mental illness back in check.

This past week, my doctor raised my Zoloft to 100mg. I had been on 50mg, but I hadn’t taken it since June because I had lost my prescription when I split up from my husband. I had so much on my plate that I didn’t think to call in a refill or even try to get a sooner appointment with my doctor. Adulthood does that sometimes. But I’ve noticed I’m calmer with situations at work. I don’t freak out when situations rise and I have a level head.

Which I’m sure my boss is thankful for, too, haha.

Anxiety affects people in different ways. It may take a few ideas on how to manage it, but once you do, it’s like a breath of fresh air. But the battle to get there?

It’s hell.

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