Finding Peace in Song

Every so often, there’s a song that just manages to hit you directly in the emotions you’re going through at that moment. The lyrics hit you like a train, overwhelming, powerful, and so raw that it makes it hard to breathe.

That’s what the lyrics to for King & Country’s “God Only Knows,” does to me.

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin’
Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody would believe you
Every day you try to pick up all the pieces
All the memories, they somehow never leave you
Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you
Nobody, nobody would believe you

God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows that it’s killing you
But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

There’s a kind of love that
There’s a kind of love

You keep a cover over every single secret
So afraid that if someone saw they would leave
Somebody, somebody, somebody sees you
Somebody, somebody will never leave you

God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows how it’s killing you
But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

There’s a kind of love that
There’s a kind of love
There’s a kind of love that
There’s a kind of love

For the lonely, for the ashamed
The misunderstood, and the ones to blame
But if we could start over
We could start over
We could start over
For the lonely, for the ashamed
The misunderstood, and the ones to blame
But if we could start over
We could start over
We could start over

But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
There’s a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you’ve been through
God only knows what they say about you
God only knows the real you
But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

There’s a kind of love that
There’s a kind of love
There’s a kind of love that
There’s a kind of love

God only knows where to find you
God only knows how to break through
God only knows the real you
But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

While I grew up in church and am a Christian, I haven’t stepped into a church for Sunday morning service in over three years. That doesn’t mean I have abandoned God. I still pray, and I find more of a sermon in music than I do in a pew. And boy, was this song a sermon that keeps on giving.

I have been struggling with inner demons terrible today. I see friends on social media buying houses, having babies, traveling, and living their lives to the fullest. Meanwhile, I am stuck in a small town, becoming a workaholic, and struggling to make ends meet.  My life feels like its on pause, sometimes even in reverse. I miss having my own space and long for getting out of my husband’s dad’s house. Our debt-to-income ratio isn’t ideal and causes significant setbacks in our credit score, our attempt of a savings plan, and makes it impossible to consider our own place. Which then makes us delay in having our own family. Granted we have Koltin, but he’s not with us full time.

All of this causes my best friend Anxiety to show up, which then opens the door to other doubts in my mind like a freeloader rummaging through the fridge uninvited. You’re already feeling down? My subconscious thinks. Let’s see how we can make it worse! Your husband is hanging out with some friends from work, that means he doesn’t want to be around you. Your family is off planning things for the weekend, they’re probably happy to be away from you. Forget the fact that you work a 3rd shift job and are sleeping the majority of the day to prepare for it.

Those thoughts, plus a lack of progressing in life at the same pace as your friends, suck the life from you. You begin to isolate yourself. You feel like everything is hopeless. You feel worthless to everything and everybody and begin to think those in your life would be better off if you disappeared.

Then you hear this lyric while channel surfing on the radio.

You keep a cover over every single secret
So afraid that if someone saw they would leave
Somebody, somebody, somebody sees you
Somebody, somebody will never leave you

And it hits you right in the feels.

You can talk to your friends, family, therapist, or anybody about your anxiety. You can talk to anybody about how their actions make you feel. You can write a blog post in great lengths like this one describing the worst days of your life. However, you can’t make the other party genuinely understand the defeat and pain you feel. Sure, they go through their own version of anxiety, but whose to say it feels the same?

That’s between you and God.

God only knows.

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