Here We Go Again

It’s been a trying couple of days.

Growing up, my views of marriage have always been picture book happy ending type shit. They lived happily ever after, all was right with the world, and every day was a romantic movie type of thing.

Then I grew up and got married myself.

Don’t get me wrong; I love being married to Bret. He’s my best friend and balances me out in so many ways. He’s kind, caring, and even though Pottermore put his house as Ravenclaw, he is every ounce of a Hufflepuff imaginable. He loves me for me, never tries to change me who I am, and it’s impossible to put into words everything I feel about him.

But how in the world do you make a marriage work when you both have anxiety and depression??

One day you’re both on cloud nine, love each other to the ends of the earth. The next day, one person is down or having anxiety so bad you assume your partner hates you, is avoiding you or doesn’t want you anymore. Then that sparks an argument that makes everything you feared expand to the point you’re so sure it’s true.

And then the next day you’re hunky dory, lovey-dovey again.

Every day is a struggle. So when you add medication into the mix, it makes it even crazier. My husband and I are both on different medicines to help with our mental illnesses – Bret takes two more than me because of his bipolar depression. If we miss one of those dosages, it may take a couple of days, but our bodies and especially our minds go haywire. Bret doubts everything from driving to even traveling 10 minutes to Galax, and I get hateful and stressed to the point I want to quit my job, my marriage, and become a hermit for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, the two people who suffer the most are ourselves because we’re the first person each of us sees when everything goes to hell.

We’ve been in counseling, both as a couple and individually. It works for a few months, we get lazy, and we stop going. It’s a bad habit, and we blame jobs and life and procrastinate to our heart’s content until we end up back in the hole we are in now.

But nevertheless, we manage to get back on track, tell each other we’re sorry, and everything is okay.

Until the next episode.

 

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